Sometimes just when you think you have life figured out and things are going smoothly...wham! In comes a curve ball out of nowhere and hits you on the bridge of your nose. The hardest part to hold onto is that somewhere in the great equation of life you have contributed to that very curve ball being thrown in your direction.
You throw your bat down, you spin around uncontrollably and then spit on the ground as if you've been poisoned and your trying to get all of the anger, fear, and pain out of your system and God help those who are near you or within earshot because you have just unleashed the fury of all fury. Then as it always does the calm and silence follow and settle in and you are left with your own thoughts, feelings, and pain. You are saddled with this heavy blanket called wonder. You wonder why you are in this situation, you wonder why me, you wonder why now, and if you are fortunate enough to get far enough in this stage you eventually come around to wondering what your part was in the whole episode.
It's only when we look within ourselves and stop blaming the people and world around us that we are going to make any progress. When the fury is flying and your at your not so best, are you conscious of your words or are you coming from pure raw emotion? I know that it depends who I am engaging with. It used to be confrontation of any sorts sent me into a tail spin and now I am making some progress, I only reach the most unflattering stage with those who I hold closest to my heart. When I was a young child I never could understand how people could become so angry with the ones they loved the most and now I'm living it, trying to break the cycle and it hurts! BUT there is always a silver lining and the mere fact that you are conscience of loosing your control means that you are well on the way to growing and changing and remembering the true you that has always been in there inside waiting like a bench warmer for their day to come up into the sunlight from the dugout and know that it is really their time to play.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Write Everyday
How do you really discover what it is you want to do when you grow up? Some people are born knowing and others seem to chase a new dream every week constantly changing their direction like the wind. If you are not one of the fortunate few that seem to be programmed at birth waking up to their destiny as they take their first breath than how do we make the seemingly impossible possible? How do we grab a hold of the very certain thing that will fill our desires and make us happy?
One way to get to know yourself is to let your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and and baggage flood out onto paper everyday. From chaos will come order and soon enough when you make the choice to dedicate a small amount of time each and every day to getting to know yourself you'll soon be taking conscious steps towards a future that fits you and will bring contentment. Sometimes when I am sitting down at my computer trying to write I find myself, my mind, creating multiple reasons of why I should be doing something else. I have made the decision to move in the direction of writing but my ego or old baggage for some reason doesn't think it is where I should be. It has become an internal struggle.
One way to get to know yourself is to let your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and and baggage flood out onto paper everyday. From chaos will come order and soon enough when you make the choice to dedicate a small amount of time each and every day to getting to know yourself you'll soon be taking conscious steps towards a future that fits you and will bring contentment. Sometimes when I am sitting down at my computer trying to write I find myself, my mind, creating multiple reasons of why I should be doing something else. I have made the decision to move in the direction of writing but my ego or old baggage for some reason doesn't think it is where I should be. It has become an internal struggle.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wait and See
Wait and see....how many times have you heard this in your lifetime? It's something about yearning for everything to finally be okay in the future and you want to hurry up and get there to experience this made up utopia. When you were younger there was always some sort of goal or reward attached to the "wait and see." Did you make a team? Were your parents going to take you to the lake after they finished working on the lawn? Could your friend spend the night? Were you going to get the interview your boss promised? So many wait and see's come flooding in from my past distant and not so distant.
So if you spend your whole life in the wait and see mode what does that leave for experiencing the now and being in the presence? If your body is tense with anticipation and your mind focused on the what if's how are you going to enjoy the now and be physically and mentally in this very moment right now in front of you. I have to believe that one moment is not more precious or less valuable than another and it is in your personal choice how each moment is categorized in your memories throughout your lifetime.
Most of the time we spend our energy on waiting for what we want to be and not what is meant to be. So how do you flip the stitch and live in the moment. How do you keep your attention focused are the right here and now? It seems like for most of my life I've been training myself to escape the present moment. A lot of it as a child was filled with pain and loneliness and it always seemed so much safer to escape to the moments just around the corner or even into the distance future where if I just waited long enough everything would be okay and better than okay it would be life that I spent most of my time dreaming about. Looking back over almost forty years I realize that I left a lot of moments untouched and unused in the physical sense and knowing that I can't buy those times back I have to shift my focus on the here and now and retrain myself.
One way in which I'm going to do this is to dedicate time each day to writing where it is fair ground to let my mind wander and dream and focus on the wait and sees and the what ifs, knowing that for the rest of the day it is my soul intent to focus on the moment at hand and try to be fully present with each of my three children and myself. To make sure that I focus on what is happening right in front of me and making sure that I am doing my best to be open, create, and to love what is most important in my life. To make sure that they know that I am here for them and to help guide them to live in the moment and be present for life for this is where we learn the most about ourselves and the world we live in...the here and now.
My writing is going to be scattered at best as I forge ahead in this new territory and I'm not going to try to write what I think people want to read and what they think is safe. Life is messy and full of wrong turns and uncertain actions and emotional chaos. But then life is also very simple and rewarding when we step out of our own way. When we give in to the flow of our own creative ideas and thoughts when we act on what we feel and not what we think. It's when we make this connection between our soul and our body and carry out its intent that the real magic begins to take place...when we act out of love and not fear we find the sweet spot in life and regardless of the outcome we know that in that very moment we did our ultimate best and there is nothing more rewarding in life.
My brother said love fear, but don't ever fear love. It's sinking in and I'm beginning to get it. A good friend said fear is one of the greatest motivators in life and that it is healthy. Yes that's true if we can embrace the fear for what it is - a motivating force not something meant to inhibit our creative actions. If we are always running from fear when we will ever have time to create the magic? When will we have time to forge new relationships which are based on truth and doing good for each other. If we are running from fear it is our instinct to put up barriers around ourselves from people or new experiences. If we can recognize that fear can help push us in a certain direction to overcome an obstacle or old life pattern than embrace the fear and use it to obtain a positive outcome in your life.
So instead of waiting around to see what will happen why don't you take a break from wishful thinking and live a little in the present moment.
So if you spend your whole life in the wait and see mode what does that leave for experiencing the now and being in the presence? If your body is tense with anticipation and your mind focused on the what if's how are you going to enjoy the now and be physically and mentally in this very moment right now in front of you. I have to believe that one moment is not more precious or less valuable than another and it is in your personal choice how each moment is categorized in your memories throughout your lifetime.
Most of the time we spend our energy on waiting for what we want to be and not what is meant to be. So how do you flip the stitch and live in the moment. How do you keep your attention focused are the right here and now? It seems like for most of my life I've been training myself to escape the present moment. A lot of it as a child was filled with pain and loneliness and it always seemed so much safer to escape to the moments just around the corner or even into the distance future where if I just waited long enough everything would be okay and better than okay it would be life that I spent most of my time dreaming about. Looking back over almost forty years I realize that I left a lot of moments untouched and unused in the physical sense and knowing that I can't buy those times back I have to shift my focus on the here and now and retrain myself.
One way in which I'm going to do this is to dedicate time each day to writing where it is fair ground to let my mind wander and dream and focus on the wait and sees and the what ifs, knowing that for the rest of the day it is my soul intent to focus on the moment at hand and try to be fully present with each of my three children and myself. To make sure that I focus on what is happening right in front of me and making sure that I am doing my best to be open, create, and to love what is most important in my life. To make sure that they know that I am here for them and to help guide them to live in the moment and be present for life for this is where we learn the most about ourselves and the world we live in...the here and now.
My writing is going to be scattered at best as I forge ahead in this new territory and I'm not going to try to write what I think people want to read and what they think is safe. Life is messy and full of wrong turns and uncertain actions and emotional chaos. But then life is also very simple and rewarding when we step out of our own way. When we give in to the flow of our own creative ideas and thoughts when we act on what we feel and not what we think. It's when we make this connection between our soul and our body and carry out its intent that the real magic begins to take place...when we act out of love and not fear we find the sweet spot in life and regardless of the outcome we know that in that very moment we did our ultimate best and there is nothing more rewarding in life.
My brother said love fear, but don't ever fear love. It's sinking in and I'm beginning to get it. A good friend said fear is one of the greatest motivators in life and that it is healthy. Yes that's true if we can embrace the fear for what it is - a motivating force not something meant to inhibit our creative actions. If we are always running from fear when we will ever have time to create the magic? When will we have time to forge new relationships which are based on truth and doing good for each other. If we are running from fear it is our instinct to put up barriers around ourselves from people or new experiences. If we can recognize that fear can help push us in a certain direction to overcome an obstacle or old life pattern than embrace the fear and use it to obtain a positive outcome in your life.
So instead of waiting around to see what will happen why don't you take a break from wishful thinking and live a little in the present moment.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Life - Father's Day
I love life. I love its ups and downs, its crazy turns and its uncanny way to be unpredictable at best. I love the way in which it waits to the very last moment when you think and believe that you can't take another second, and then it drops the most delectable surprise in your lap. And in that very moment you smile because amidst all the sorrow, pain, and heaviness you have been given a glimpse of tomorrow when the clouds will finely dissipate and the sun's rays will warm your heart again.
I love that life continually seeks balance and like a roller coaster the sudden drops are the shortest part of the ride. Somehow after getting off the coaster and almost losing your lunch and feeling your heart coming through your chest you know that it was all well worth it and you decide to ride again.
My Dad decided not to get on the coaster again it was too much for him...I've decided to ride it for him.
Monday, June 14, 2010
When something stirs...
It's that feeling right before you start out on vacation or move to a new town or start a new school that reminds me that we're meant to change and grow. It's that stirring inside that you feel when you're asked to step into something new and you're not sure of how it's going to turn out. My son just recently started jumping off bridges. A mother's worst nightmare has come to life and I'm left sitting in a new place. Without doubt I'm excited for my son to be embracing life searching for new experiences, stepping out from the comfort of his room and taking chances, but then fear sets in and if I let it worry floods in about all the possible outcomes.
There are two motivating factors in life. CWG by Neale Donald Walsch explains how every decision, choice and action we make in life springs from one or the other. Love and Fear are what makes each of us tick and if we look at each choice we make it will open our eyes and hearts to what we are choosing for ourselves. I grew up with fear. I'm learning how to live with love.
Sue just sent me a text...she is my soul sister and has in only her way taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. She was raised in love and surrounds herself in love...it's not to say that fear doesn't find a way in to her life sometimes it just means that the majority of her decisions and actions come from love not fear. Growing up in my family I worked hard at creating a facade and pleasing everyone for fear of what they would think if they knew the real me or what happened in my house. I became an amazing people please and sacrificed myself even for strangers to make sure they were happy and had what they wanted. I continued this trend into my thirties as a wife, mom, employee, and friend. Then something happened in my life that made it impossible for this to be my full time job. I slowly started making decisions and choices made from love an I slowly started seeing my life move in a direction it had never seen before.
So here I sit in "limbo" well at least that is what it feels like. Certain pieces of my old life are peeling away and I'm having to make the most difficult choices.
There are two motivating factors in life. CWG by Neale Donald Walsch explains how every decision, choice and action we make in life springs from one or the other. Love and Fear are what makes each of us tick and if we look at each choice we make it will open our eyes and hearts to what we are choosing for ourselves. I grew up with fear. I'm learning how to live with love.
Sue just sent me a text...she is my soul sister and has in only her way taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. She was raised in love and surrounds herself in love...it's not to say that fear doesn't find a way in to her life sometimes it just means that the majority of her decisions and actions come from love not fear. Growing up in my family I worked hard at creating a facade and pleasing everyone for fear of what they would think if they knew the real me or what happened in my house. I became an amazing people please and sacrificed myself even for strangers to make sure they were happy and had what they wanted. I continued this trend into my thirties as a wife, mom, employee, and friend. Then something happened in my life that made it impossible for this to be my full time job. I slowly started making decisions and choices made from love an I slowly started seeing my life move in a direction it had never seen before.
So here I sit in "limbo" well at least that is what it feels like. Certain pieces of my old life are peeling away and I'm having to make the most difficult choices.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Knowing - 2nd Day, Dr. Dyer
"Do not believe what you have heard.
Do not believe in tradition because it is handed down many generations.
Do not believe in anything that has been spoken of many times.
Do not believe because the written statements come from some old sage.
Do not believe in conjecture.
Do not believe in authority or teachers or elders.
But after careful observation and analysis,when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it."
Buddha
For a lot of years I thought right was right simply because someone else told me so. It first started with my parents, then my teachers, neighbors, co-workers, bosses, and eventually everyone beside myself. Something is happening of late where I've discovered a barometer of my own and one that I feel the most comfortable listening to and knowing that it is my truth and not the truth of someone else that I need to practice to learn.
When you are sad it's okay to be sad and to know that there is a reason for your sadness. Enlightenment is a journey and the path is only revealed from steps toward truth.
Do not believe in tradition because it is handed down many generations.
Do not believe in anything that has been spoken of many times.
Do not believe because the written statements come from some old sage.
Do not believe in conjecture.
Do not believe in authority or teachers or elders.
But after careful observation and analysis,when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it."
Buddha
For a lot of years I thought right was right simply because someone else told me so. It first started with my parents, then my teachers, neighbors, co-workers, bosses, and eventually everyone beside myself. Something is happening of late where I've discovered a barometer of my own and one that I feel the most comfortable listening to and knowing that it is my truth and not the truth of someone else that I need to practice to learn.
When you are sad it's okay to be sad and to know that there is a reason for your sadness. Enlightenment is a journey and the path is only revealed from steps toward truth.
An inspiring project from Dr. Wayne Dyer - Day 1
I visited our library yesterday to return some of Libby's books and a book by Dr. Dyer caught my eye. I had no intention of checking out a book but was drawn to the title and without thought brought it to the counter. As I read the introduction this morning I felt compelled to turn it into a writing aspect and share it with myself as sort of a gift, a reprieve from the changes occurring in my life and to approach it as a project. Dr. Dyer has included 60 writings from some of the history's greatest teachers and he asks us to read one a day and try to reflect and then integrate into our daily being. Why not and so here is day 1 and how I am reflecting on what I will read and then sharing with those around me.
Meditation
Dr. Dyer quotes two of our greatest mathematical minds of all humanity: Pythagoras and Blaise Pascal.
"Learn to be silent.
Let your
quiet mind
listen and absorb." Pythagoras
"All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone" Blaise Pascal
So now for how to incorporate this into my life today and here after. Dr. Dyer speaks to how each of us has 60,000 rapid firing thoughts each and everyday and how most often from day to day it is the same exact thoughts repeating themselves and leaving no room for personal or spiritual growth. The following are my thoughts and ideas only...our opinions are never wrong and your truth may be entirely different but always just as valuable.
Silence with three children seems to be incompatible but in reading Dr. Dyer's thoughts and studying the two quotes above there seems to be an undeniable truth to what it shares. If I let my mind and thoughts take control of me I can create scenarios for every possible outcome in a mere flash. I can devise plans of paranoia that go unmatched and instantly feel as though the whole town disapproves of my intent without even knowing if they have given it a second thought. So as I type this listening to the chatter of my two girls in the background and the youtube video Steph sent to me I am feeling a need to sit in silence and to discover what exists within its boundaries. My thought is that its 11:00 and I still haven't taken my morning shower and that is a perfect opportunity for me to escape and have a little date with silence. I'm going to open my mind and heart and let go of my fears of what it will bring up for me. I am going to say outloud that I want to break past patterns of behaviors and thoughts and reach for something closer to God and what he intends for my life. I'll let you know how it goes for now my Princess Libby is demanding a bowl of cereal.
....so a fresh shower later and new demands from the girls and needing to pick up Aaron from Legion I realize there is a time and place for everything and somehow, somewhere balance needs to enter into this equation. For now under Dr. Dyer's advice, I am going to focus on my breathing in and out throughout the day and listening to my body and mind and being aware of where one ends and one begins. I'll let you know how it all turns out.
Meditation
Dr. Dyer quotes two of our greatest mathematical minds of all humanity: Pythagoras and Blaise Pascal.
"Learn to be silent.
Let your
quiet mind
listen and absorb." Pythagoras
"All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone" Blaise Pascal
So now for how to incorporate this into my life today and here after. Dr. Dyer speaks to how each of us has 60,000 rapid firing thoughts each and everyday and how most often from day to day it is the same exact thoughts repeating themselves and leaving no room for personal or spiritual growth. The following are my thoughts and ideas only...our opinions are never wrong and your truth may be entirely different but always just as valuable.
Silence with three children seems to be incompatible but in reading Dr. Dyer's thoughts and studying the two quotes above there seems to be an undeniable truth to what it shares. If I let my mind and thoughts take control of me I can create scenarios for every possible outcome in a mere flash. I can devise plans of paranoia that go unmatched and instantly feel as though the whole town disapproves of my intent without even knowing if they have given it a second thought. So as I type this listening to the chatter of my two girls in the background and the youtube video Steph sent to me I am feeling a need to sit in silence and to discover what exists within its boundaries. My thought is that its 11:00 and I still haven't taken my morning shower and that is a perfect opportunity for me to escape and have a little date with silence. I'm going to open my mind and heart and let go of my fears of what it will bring up for me. I am going to say outloud that I want to break past patterns of behaviors and thoughts and reach for something closer to God and what he intends for my life. I'll let you know how it goes for now my Princess Libby is demanding a bowl of cereal.
....so a fresh shower later and new demands from the girls and needing to pick up Aaron from Legion I realize there is a time and place for everything and somehow, somewhere balance needs to enter into this equation. For now under Dr. Dyer's advice, I am going to focus on my breathing in and out throughout the day and listening to my body and mind and being aware of where one ends and one begins. I'll let you know how it all turns out.
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