Committing

My Dad told me to write everyday. Just sit down and write and not worry about what. The irony being that my Dad passed away nearly fifteen years ago. So here I sit postponing the thought of writing everyday, it's been weeks and I can't seem to shake Joe's voice. Joe is a medium who lives locally. I know, I know, I know what you're thinking and no I'm not psychic by any means but however one of my closest friends does not believe in spiritual conveyors of messages from beyond.


I am in a major state of limbo in my life. My business just ended, it is going bankrupt and instead of having a million and one things to do I have systematically pulled away from every community service project group and foundation that I joined in the busiest time of my life. I've decided that it all comes down to my fear of committing to something. I committed myself to the growth and building of The Little Hat Company with huge plans of how it would reach out and help in the community as it grew older and larger. Four years into this plan we had to pull the plug. The toy stores plunged us into a dark abyss of debt and I was the one holding the financial reigns. The hats ironically enough would have been able to continue if it was not for the debt accumulated from the inventory of the stores and the credit card rates choking us that were intended to finance the beginning of a wonderful business and legacy. I accept full responsibility and offer a nod of politeness when people approach me and apologize for the economy and the lead law. Yes they outside circumstances affected the ending of our business but honestly it was my nativity of how business is handled that was our greatest downfall. I am hopefully was a "yes" - "good girl" - people pleaser who honestly believed that if you did what you thought was right everything would end up peachy in the end.

So here's where I am.... I could continue disassociating with community groups, family, friends, and neighbors and literally hide out for a few years in my role as wife and mom of three. My house could use a huge bleaching, my gardens a total makeover, and I have enough fabric leftover to make a few dozen quilts for the needy or I could take some advice from my father who passed away years ago from his inability to commit to his own future and belief in hope. Sit down and write every day. Joe had revealed a bunch of interesting tidbits of the direction I am heading and I thought that in stead of committing them to memory I would capture them in "A Fresh Perspective". Cathie giggles every time she mentions this blog. I'm not sure why other than she is one my inner circle who truly gets who I am. We are a bit of carbon copy her and I except for the way she has been able to master the method of finding joy in her everyday life and then spreading with ease to those around her. She is a good bean.

So with my apologies to my sister christian, who I adore here is my attempt to begin writing everyday with a summary of Joe's messages brought forth primarily from my deceased dad, maternal grandmother ( Grammie Blackburn) and a man name Joseph who I am yet to identify.

The first message: Dad's at peace.

This is a huge statement in itself. We grew up with a very determined man who could fix anything, would help anyone in need, and able to grow his own business from scratch to support a family of seven. He was born in the Depression and was farmed out to a Polish family after his mother died when he was five. His father was a truckdriver and he married their housekeeper who had been widowed. My dad was a sailor in the US Navy and traveled the world bringing with him slides that haven't been watched in decades. He found my mom in church, got her pregnant and began the tumultuous story of the Parker Family.

After years and years of paranoia, self pity, anger management issues, and abusive behavior he took his own life less than a year after my mother divorced him. They had been married for 39 years and together had been responsible for creating five lives, and 11 grandchildren. When my father took his life we each took on a piece of guilt pie for our own burden but perhaps my mom took on the largest slice. When I sat down at Joe's table the first message was that my father's death wasn't my mother's fault. It was stemmed from the emptiness that was created from the early loss of his mother, Mabel Townsend.

The next part is hard for me to understand or grasp. Joe tried to explain that the hurt feelings and anxieties that I have housed in my life somehow originate with my dad's grandmother, Anna Townsend. I'm reading my notes and all that I scrawled was "Anna Townsend, closing chapter of book".


Wow this is really fun reading material, especially if you haven't already been exposed to the inner workings of Jen Houghton. So all of this to say that I have no idea what is next for me in the direct future. Yes I hear loud and clear that I am supposed to write, I like to write, but have no sense of what I should write about.

Joe mentioned that I would be writing a book about two little girls. (Anna and Libby?) it seems so cliche at the moment and he also mentioned that I would be transitioning to the film and movie industry somehow. The piece of information I was truly looking for was that I would be starting my next business in July of 2011. Yikes that seemed like such a long time in between gigs but as I sit here in my fuzzy pajamas it is making a lot of sense. Here are the interesting tidbits he included with that information... In two years I would be moving out of the state of Maine, my girls would be well adjusted to their new school and lives, the business I start will be focused in California and green of nature - he saw a waterfall ( Sue forgive me as I ramble).

One thing that touched me was that Joe had picked up on two very special friendships that I have made as a direct result of starting Little Hat. He knew one of their names and said we will be lifelong friends. That makes me VERY happy. He also picked up on Pie Club - he mentioned all of the empty pie shells surrounding me lately. Pie Club is another subject for another day. He talked about my two new friends and also brought up breast cancer being around us. Thankfully as a team we do the avon walk for breast cancer every year. BUT the most touching piece of information he gave me about these friendships is that we became so close through the Little Hat experience because we learned with our hearts. This is true.

My gramma Blackburn, aka Peg, came through saying how much she adores Anna with the chubby cheeks and that she is watching over her. My Dad also let it be known that Aaron is very strong and will accomplish great things in life - Aaron gets Lew Parker's seal of approval. Aaron was one when my dad took his own life.

Alright so enough rambling for day one of my committing to write everyday. Anna is staying home and has requested my presence next to her on the couch. She is toast and needs a day to catch up. I love my children more than the whole wide universe and I'm thankful for the many gifts they have been given. Now it's my job to make sure that I don't mess them up so they can carry out their life experiences without too many hangups.

Thank you James for your day to day guidance!