Owning Up

It's easy to know our strengths in life. It's the feeling we get when we react to drives or urges within ourselves to move forward in a specific direction. I love the energy created when you take an idea and begin saying it out loud and sharing, building, and cultivating it with yourself and sometimes others until it is a concrete thing. For me this has come in many forms - it has been a garden, a book, a quilt, a room decorated in a new way and many times it has been a business. It's hard to put into words what I do best. My sister is in Finance, my brother an engineer, my other sister a programmer, my dad was a master plumber, and my mom always took care of his book and household finances. When I was in my twenties and a part of the Internet/Technology Boom my siblings would joke with me that they could never understand what I did or what my profession was and it kind of burned. But honestly I'm not sure even I can label it much further than entrepreneur who majors in marketing/business development.

So here I sit in my late thirties wishing I knew specifically what I am supposed to be doing as an adult. Yes I've started business and built brand recognition and seized upon many a unique opportunity for growth but what am I? Who am I? What do I see myself doing in the future and does it really matter? I know how I can make a very large salary working for someone else but when I was smack dab in the middle of sales/business development it made me nausea to go to work each day. That can't possibly be what I'm supposed to be doing in life.

I've grown a lot in the past three years. I've shedded a lot of insecurities and untruths about myself that I've held on to since my childhood. I've grown in a different direction from my siblings and it hurts. I would love for my family to be what I thought it once was but sometimes family hurts. It's no one's fault or malicious intent and after spending the weekend with my mom I'm owning up to a few things that I seemed to have overlooked and been ignoring for some time.

My pet peeve is judgment, whether found in the church, politics, education system, or in your neighborhood but in the profound words of Michael Jackson "If you want to make this world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change". The greatest change comes from the differences you are able to affect in yourself. I have been in a state of judgement my whole life of those people and situations around me. I have been confusing forgiveness with the ability to trust and befriend. Forgiveness is a state of being that exist within yourself and not a golden ticket to let something or someone back into your life. As I began this blog, there was a ring at our doorbell when we don't usually have visitors. It was a gift and a long conversation that led to a reaffirmation of what it means to forgive and what it means to move on. Owning up to your own stuff in life is not a submission of guilt but more of a commitment of knowing that what bothers you most in life is something most likely that you need to grow from.

I used to divide my life into sections: family, friends, business, and hobbies. Now I know this is not possible. It is from these different activities, obligations, and drives in which it is highlighted what about us as individuals needs the most attention or help. The people and activities in our life are a web woven together and are affected continuously by one another. The simple analogies in life that we grow up with are host the most meaning. A single grain of rice will tip the scale, the ripples of a single drop of water, one seed planted leads to a forest, etc, blah blah blah...what I'm starting to know and own that in life it is the simplest ideas and beliefs that often deliver the most punch and its our gut that holds us accountable. If we react with strong emotion to something that is uncomfortable than it is our own self telling us to bring out that mirror and take a closer look. Just remember that we are human and we are going to make mistakes. I'm making more than my own fair share right now and it's not the grand glorious feeling I had as Little Hat was climbing at a fast rate but let me tell you that what I'm learning and going through is teaching me far more about myself and who I do want to be in the future and for that I am thankful.